You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
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