I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
We have so much sex to catch up on
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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