I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
