someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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