My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
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