so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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