Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
