where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
This baby is an asshole
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
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