she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Randomize
