he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
well, you know. whores of a feather.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Randomize
