6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
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