you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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