im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Randomize
