I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
