can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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