i wish there were pregnant emoticons
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Randomize
