You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
