textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Randomize
