my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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