smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
