My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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