Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
I love you so must. You as do fraty. You are truly my veste breakable (ties I wtf racket Andover). Luce you. Have a safe drive bio dough failover.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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