just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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