I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
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