god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
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