I wanna passion pit in your ass
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize