New invention idea: vibrating tampons
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
