Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
