Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
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