my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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