And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
