This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
barbara walters just said penis...
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
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