I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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