you mean i was at the winter classic?
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
