he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
