Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Randomize
