I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
