Only a mothe r could love this liver
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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