how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
