obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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