my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
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