The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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