I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
If that was your dad, he is hot
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
