life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
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