haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
