ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
