It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
