Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
