I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
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