i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
