I'd wear matching sweaters with you
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
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