I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
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