Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
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