It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
