So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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