that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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