A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
The feeling are messing with the penis
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
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