I wish I only lived at night.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
it was like having sex with a tree stump
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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