i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
