get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
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