It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
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